Author: Deana Morris

Exploring yoga for change

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Exploring yoga for change

‘Be the change you want to see in the world,’
Gandhi

This is a saying I hold close. And deep. In my heart.

Gandhi led a revolution, using peaceful means to free his country. My aspirations are a quite revolution, but he is a huge influence for me.

You don’t need to be leading a revolution to find this phrase useful. You can use it to change your own circumstances for the better.

If you want the world to be different, you need to embody that and be part of that change in the world around you.
So if you want to feel loved, behave in a loving way. If you want to be loved unconditionally, you’re going to have to be prepared to give that out to others. Which I know some people find very difficult, because I hear it all the time…

Why aren’t my children more grateful?
Why does my husband have to leave the lid off the toothpaste/toilet seat up/toast crumbs in the bed?
Why can’t my mother admit when she’s wrong?

People are flawed. They just are. Get over it. And if their experience of being with you is that you scold them, hold back from them, flash micro-expressions of irritation at them when they displease you; don’t imagine they won’t pick up on that.

We see more than we realise.

Communication isn’t just about words. It’s about flashes of movement. Shifts of tone. Sudden silences. 

Author and inspirational speaker. Danielle La Porte, very astutely reminds us that when we behave in the way we want to feel, we become that. Change is an inside out job, not an outside in.

If you want to feel amazing, consider what that would feel like. What would that look like? How would you eat, exercise, think? What would your home look like? What would you be reading? What would your best friend be like?

Have you noticed how some people are very good at telling you what they don’t want? They spend all that energy thinking about that they want to reject, but put no energy into thinking about what they want to create.

Interesting. There’s an irony in that without a plan you don’t move; there’s no risk. Except you stagnate, of course, and which is worst?

Accessible Yoga for All

Here’s something I want to see: accessible yoga for all.

I know what it’s like to be unemployed; it can be limiting in many ways. You have time, but little money. I remember being unemployed and that unsettled feeling of instability I carried. Which is ironic when I think about the jobs in which I earned a lot of money; I had no time and my self care was woeful anyway.

That’s why I created a yoga programme for employees to enjoy in their lunch break. It started when I worked in a university and I taught it there for two years. It’s an on-site delivered, easy to fit in option that gives an oasis of stress recovery for people who spend too much time sitting.

But what if you’re not working?

Now I strongly suspect a lot of yoga teachers will overlook a student’s inability to pay for classes during periods of unemployment, because we know if there’s one thing that’s going to help them it’s regularly getting away from their worries and spending time in a calm environment.

But being unwaged happens when we retire, when we’re students, when we’re running the house, bring up children… if you want to start an activity and lack on money is an issue, how can you access what you, of all people, could benefit most from? And how disempowering is it, to be ‘given’ when you can give and make a choice about how much

So here’s my little Be the Change solution. I’m not sure if it’ll work for me and it’s not original, but this was what I came up with – and I strongly suspect the Universe lent a hand…

Yoga by donation

I teach one class a week where if you’re unwaged, the price of a place is by donation. There’s a minimum donation of £1 (so I can cover the room costs) and if you’re waged a mat is £6 (still pretty good value for where I live). If you want to read more about my classes, the details are here and there’s a Yoga with Deana Facebook group too.

Where I’m teaching classes is subsidised through the philanthropic legacy of the man whose building it once was. That means, if every space goes I’ll cover the cost of the room hire anyway. I’m looking at grant applications to extend this too.

But as far as I can see, when I give of my time the energy I put into that doesn’t have to come back to me as money.

I’m helping people in my location, in a small way. I’m helping feel better and hopefully live better. I’m pushing positive energy into the world in a different way which means positive energy should return.

Maybe not so altruistic of me; but I’m enjoying the journey there. I’ll let you know how it turns out!

The No1 cause of limiting beliefs

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The No1 cause of limiting beliefs

‘Why do you always have to be such a diva?’ the mother hissed at her daughter as the little girl, still in her slightly-too-big school uniform, looked down at the floor and cried. Just a little bit harder.

It was early evening on a Friday in my favourite, end of the week pub tea and unwind venue, in our currently quite sleepy seaside town.

I’ve a finely practiced ear for listening in to other people’s conversations; the habits of former newspaper reporters die hard. Pubs are a primary source of what’s going on beneath social surface so I’m frequently doing this without even realising.

And on the surface that’s just a mother losing her temper with a child who’s having a moment. The whole family trailed out the pub, the menus abandoned on the table, because the little girl clearly couldn’t stop crying and the mother wasn’t in a place to manage her child’s distress.

But as a hypnotherapist, I hear more than ‘Why do you always have to be such a diva?’ I hear the seeds of trouble ahead being sown, for a little girl who may well grow up with a diva streak a mile wide and wonder why she can’t form friendships and relationships the way others can.

Here’s the why.

When we ask a child ‘why are you always slow’. ‘why do you have to be so greedy’, ‘you’re no good at maths, why can’t you even add up?’ they can take on these labels and they can stick. Because at the time they’re just a little kid, they don’t know ‘why’ so they assume that’s their identity and they wear it.

‘I don’t know why I can’t keep up, I must be slow’.
‘I don’t know why I want more, I must be greedy.’
‘I must be terrible at maths because I don’t know why I got that sum wrong.’

How many of us can read perfectly well, but will insist we’re not great at spelling? Where did that come from? When you think about it, how can that be true? Doesn’t make sense, does it, when you apply logic… (having a ‘lightbulb’ moment?).

Children don’t think like adults, their minds work differently. A child of six won’t be able to rationalise why she’s having a meltdown at teatime, after a long day at school (although I could hazard a guess) and she will have no idea why she’s being ‘such a diva’.

Children’s minds don’t develop the ability to think critically and consider abstract ideas until they’re past 11. This sort of reasoning is one of the last to develop, as they mature into young adults. And although  the stages of cognitive development in children may be flexible to an extent, I’d be very surprised if our sobbing little girl, who looked about six or seven, could raise her head and say: ‘I’m not being a diva mummy, I’ve had a long day, my blood sugar levels are somewhere on the floor and frankly I’m overwhelmed by the idea of sitting in a crowded pub, when all I want is something to eat and a lie down.’

And so she takes on the shame of the label and it being her fault everyone had to leave. Shaming is very powerful, but it seldom leads to positive outcomes.

Episodes in our childhood where people highly influential in our lives, such as family members, teachers or even other kids, label us and shame us are invariably the root cause of limiting beliefs we hold onto in adulthood.

I don’t work with children, but I do work with adults carrying labels they collected as children. I’m fat; I can’t cope, I’m stupid, I’m unloveable… the power of working with clients in hypnosis is they can see the bigger picture, because now they have the ability to apply logic to the scene that set the stage for living with a label that’s not theirs.

They can take off the label, once and for all.

Myth-busting hypnosis

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Myth-busting hypnosis

‘You use hypnosis not as a cure, but as a favourable climate in which to learn,’ Milton Erikson

When I talk to people who want to come for hypnotherapy there are questions that come up. Frequently. 

That’s natural. Whenever we’re trying something new, we may hesitate. It’s easy to get caught up in the ‘what ifs’ and forget about our aims – to move forward towards our goals, free from what’s been holding us back.

So here are a few questions I’ve heard and here are the answers. If you have more questions, you are very welcome to contact me. And do your own research; hypnotism has been researched for a long time. There’s lots out there.

Once I’m hypnotised, will I be instantly transformed?

Hypnosis is a tool, not a magic wand. In hypnosis we work within the world of the subconscious mind, where emotions and feelings are more easily accessed. This is why clients engage at a level that’s not available through the conscious mind alone. More of the mind is working towards your specified goal.

Will I surrender all control?

I hear this frequently, and I’m not surprised, given the dramatisation of hypnosis we see on TV and in the theatre.  Stage hypnotists are of a different ilk. And they get confused with hypnotherapists. All that ‘you are in my power…’ nonsense (cue therapist eye-roll moment). It’s a show. Stage hypnotists are looking for highly extroverted people who, on a subconscious level, want to be part of the fun. And that’s all stage hypnotism is – fun.

Consider this… if stage hypnotists and hypnotherapists could make you do anything against your will, why are we not all living on tropical islands, living lavish lifestyles because you’ve given us all your money? That’s not the situation, is it. We live ordinary lives because we’re ordinary people. Yup, because YOU are in control.

Will I tell you things I don’t want to?

Again, you are in control. If there’s something you don’t want to say, you won’t say it. Hypnotherapists cannot ‘make’ you do or tell us anything you don’t want to.

I’ve heard hypnosis is ‘unnatural’ or ‘dangerous’

You naturally go in and out of hypnotic states all the time, often without even realising. Have you ever arrived somewhere and realised there are stages of the journey you don’t remember? That’s one type of trance state. And very common.

Hypnosis is an ancient therapeutic tool that can be dated back to the ancient Greeks and Egyptians. Modern hypnotherapy is based on research by famous twentieth century psychologists such as Carl Jung and Milton Erikson.

What if I can’t be hypnotised?

If you’ve ever fallen asleep or woken up, you’ve been in a hypnotic state. That moment before you slip off to sleep or are stirring into wakefulness; they are both hypnotic states.

Being in hypnosis is somewhere between sleep and wakefulness, in many ways. It’s a sleep of the nervous system that allows us greater access to what’s going on in our subconscious. What drives our emotions and feelings is rooted in there. The subconscious mind knows where your issues are rooted?

What if you make me believe things I don’t want to?

Your hypnotherapist is your guide, working in partnership with you. You can accept or reject suggestions in hypnosis and that is absolutely right. It’s my job to adapt to your needs and discover what is meaningful for you in that moment. Everyone responds in their own way; it’s not a test, it’s a journey we take together.

Will I just need one session?

Anyone who tells you they can get consistent, instant results in one session, isn’t being realistic. Each client comes with different issues, we all respond differently to hypnotherapy and we are all living in different environments which may challenge us in different ways that may not have been explored in that hypnotherapy session. It is possible to achieve long-lasting instant results, but it is not the norm.

You are a unique individual dealing with a unique circumstance, based on your unique experiences. Be compassionate with yourself. Your hypnotherapist will be too.

Can’t I just listen to suggestion recordings?

Positive suggestion recordings are great and they’ll make you feel good, but experiencing lasting change for you is unlikely. If your subconscious is like a pool and the water is murky from unresolved past experiences that are holding you back in the present, going swimming in that water unhindered is unlikely. Better to get clarity and clear up the pool before you go swimming. 

If you have more questions about hypnotherapy, contact me at dmtherapies@gmail.com. I offer a 20-minute free discovery conversation for you to explore whether hypnosis is right for you.

Speak and inspire: the unforgettable journey

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Speak and inspire: the unforgettable journey

Did you know the fear of speaking in public is one of the greatest fears we have?

Whatever happened to sabre-tooth tigers and dinosaurs, eh? Oh yes, they’re extinct, I’ll give you that. Well, Brexit then.

But the primal response we experience when we feel under threat – whether we inch out onto a stage and into the spotlight, or spot a  tyrannosaurus rex looming up behind the 91 bus – is exactly the same.

Fight or flight – fear is there, big and large, prompting the ‘it’s super scary’ physical response. Sweating, dry mouth, squeaky voice, the sudden desire to projectile vomit…

So why, (oh why oh why) have I signed up for a Ted Talk style event ?(Thursday 7 March 2019 at the Bavard Bar, Printers Playhouse, Grove Road, Eastbourne) See; look at me, telling you where it’s happening – do I have an ego death wish? (Well, yes, actually… but that’s a blog for another time).

But I’ll be there, with bells and whistles (not literally`) partly because I enjoy pushing my own buttons and partly because a self-hypnosis session on discovering my purpose  brought up speaking in public.

And in trance it felt so natural, so exhilarating and so what I should be doing. I watched myself move about the stage, I could see the audience listening, I could feel the tension in the air – the prickling electricity of a powerful moment shared.

Given that I haven’t spoken in public since I was at school (unless you include teaching yoga and I don’t, that’s different. You’re doing something and so is your ‘audience’) I was shocked. Where had this come from? What far corner of my subconscious thought this was a good idea?

Sometimes the subconscious takes us by the surprise though and I felt compelled to discover whether the experience actual is anything like the trance version.

But obviously I’m not going to leave that first experience to chance, that would be foolish – and completely disloyal to my inner swot who loves to study. 

I didn’t do girl guides (rebellious, even as a kid) but I love that motto ‘be prepared’. For the past few weeks I have been working on my presentation skills with motivational speaker and all round queen, Lisa Nichols. Her Speak and Inspire course is amazing; a truly transformative experience because it encourages you to watch and support each others’ efforts through Facebook lives, in a closed group community. Sound confusing? It is a bit, but my goodness, what a community. In there you’ll find friends, made friends, see lovely people bare their souls, hear stories that inspire, touch the heart but mostly help you understand how you’re not alone.

Everyone struggles. School bullies, work bullies, domestic bullies have been kicking fragile souls all around the world forever, it seems. We think we’re so alone, don’t we. That our ‘shame’ is isolating and excruciating, but it’s such a shared pain, it truly is. There are some awful people out there. I’ve also heard stories of divorce, broken careers and the triumphs and insights that came out of the adversity.

When we’re open and honest with each other, when we take down the walls, let go the mask and hold space for each other, magic happens. You get fresh perspective. It’s extraordinary. And Lisa shares amazing self-transforming practices that I’ll be sharing with my clients. That woman knows how to find self love and build its fire.

I’ve nearly finished this course, but I’ll hold close to me many of those people I’ve met. From all corners of the world. All cultures. All ages. Whatever you may imagine, what makes us the same is so much greater than our differences.

If you have advice for speaking to an audience, please share. What are your top tips? How do you like to create dialogue rather than a monologue?

Midlife magnificence: live, love, enjoy your superpower!

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Midlife magnificence: live, love, enjoy your superpower!

Midlife: when the Universe grabs you by the shoulders and says “I’m not f*cking around; use the gifts you were given,” Brene Brown.

There’s a lot of talk about the Midlife Crisis.

Apparently it’s not just men who freak out and channel their energies into emblems of virility – motorbikes, sports cars, dressing like teenagers…

Women are also supposed to be wandering around, bewailing their lost youth, weeping into their prosecco and telling tales of when we were called ‘miss’ and not ‘madam’, builders wolf-whistled from lofty scaffold and all eyes turned as we sallied into the wine bar.

And of course, that suits our consumerist culture perfectly, doesn’t it. Because that then makes us prime subscribers to the myriad of ‘solutions’ it has to dazzle us. From fillers and botox to now microblading for our thinning eyebrows. Excess body hair isn’t just plucked or shaved now, it’s waxed or blasted with lasers. Then there’s the clothing that constrains us and restricts us, shoes that pinch us and stifle our steps, handbags we brandish as shields of success, that cost us close to a month’s average salary.

It seems to me that the more women earn, the more the over-culture finds ways to spend our money, and discover ever cynical ways to redirect our salary into a fool’s errand, chasing eternal youth.

And as long as we’re focused on what other people think of us, it’s very easy to sell us what we don’t need, and even easier to keep hidden from us what we deserve. What I believe is our birthright. Midlife magnificence.

And I don’t mean magnificently mimicking 20 year olds. Who are beautiful and lovely. But not us. I mean exploring the extraordinary gifts we have now.

Perspective. Wisdom. Power.

These are the our skills, or talents, our superpowers, but the over culture wants to keep us focused away from these, otherwise we won’t keep falling for the emperor’s new clothes it’s been selling us for the past 20 years.

Now is the time to get past your fear. Get past your anxiety. Get past your phobias. Because now is IT!

There’s something very sobering about passing 50, I can tell you from experience. You get an ever-increasing mantra popping past your thoughts ‘Now is the time… Now is the time…’

The Midlife Crisis appeared in the Sixties. But for men only. Presumably because they had all the money and we had yet to become an economic force to be preyed upon with thrusty, shiny toys. But according to the Guardian the midlife crisis is now well embedded in popular culture, for women. Television is now reflecting us as up our elbows in elicit sex, obviously looking rakish but ravishing in our power skirt suits, with pilates-toned midriffs, spa-day glow and tousled full locks flowing.

And yet research shows the midlife malaise is perfectly natural. So natural, apparently that this research suggests even primates follow the same path.

According to Professor of Economics and Behavioural Science at the University of Warwick, Andrew Oswald,  our mental wellbeing improves from our mid to late Forties, onwards. Yes, the opportunity to play opposite George Clooney is probably narrowing, maybe your Nobel prize won’t be in the post, but when you see past these dreams, what’s left? Look, orangutans have never heard of George Clooney and I’m guessing peace prizes for literature (just me there, I know) aren’t on their bucket list either, but if they’re going through the same thing then maybe the solution isn’t another tattoo.

Maybe it’s time to look at what midlife has actually given us.

Yes, a bit if a kick in the pants, but also a lot of freedom.

Freedom from running after kids all day. Freedom from menstruating, freedom from all that expectation you put on yourself to win that Nobel prize. Yes, your hair may thin, your body shape may shift again, your skin may not be as elastic as it once was, but because you are evolving into a wiser, stronger, more considered creature that has all that collected wisdom. We don’t need to shake our tail feathers at the world, we are the bloody peacock!

Now you can get on with being who you want to be. Carving out as an extraordinary or ordinary life as you wish, being you. Or finding you, if you wake up to discovering who you are has been buried half alive in other people’s ironing for 30 years.

Professor Oswald claims that in Britain people are at their happiest once they hit their mid-Seventies. So get excited – it’s all going to get a lot better. If we get a move on now, we’ll be ecstatic by the time we draw our pensions!

Mind your language! How to ‘let go’ of weight with more ease

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Mind your language! How to ‘let go’ of weight with more ease

If you want something, you have to want it. I mean really want it. In capitals. 

And that means creating new ways of thinking and new habits of action that will take you to your goals.

You know this. You’re bright people, I know that. 

And you’ll know, when the going gets tough; the tough very often get up and stand in front of the fridge or pantry, scanning for what’s got the most carbs in!

Sometimes we can find ourselves in front of that cupboard and we don’t even remember getting up!

Be assured. You are not alone. Because when life gets difficult, your mind will work fiercely to move you away from pleasure and towards pain.

There are ways to make this process a pleasure, not a pain. Tips and tricks which bring your mind on board with the way you want to change so your mind, body and soul are all cheering for you in this journey.

Here’s one – stop equating what you want to stop eating with love.

Anyone who wants to be slim cannot ‘love’ cake. Because here’s what happens every time you have a problem. Your mind starts waving the idea of cake in front of you as a solution.

Because the mind wants you to be happy. If it thinks you love cake, every time someone’s mean to you, every time you feel sad, mind will come up with a solution to make you feel better. It’s called ‘cake’.

If you keep telling yourself ‘food is my best friend’ you will struggle to let go of excess body weight. Every time you say that you are reinforcing your mind’s very literal interpretation of everything you say.

Food is fuel. It is not your best friend. If you don’t have a best friend, if, when you think about it, you feel lonely, that is the emotion that needs your attention. You can call a friend, join a Meetup group if you’re a stranger in town but don’t give food qualities it doesn’t have.

And here’s another. The renown hypnotherapist and author, Marisa Peer, advocates this; don’t say you’re losing weight, say you’re letting go of excess body weight.

They sound similar, but, she argues, the mind associates loss with something bad. We lose money, we lose people, we lose in love… all loss situations are seen by the mind as negatives. But, she says, the mind accepts ‘letting go’ as a liberating and freeing action and so it’s more relaxed and comfortable with that notion.

What do you think? Do you use words around food that hold back your progress?

Do you over eat when you’re sad? How would changing your food associations help you?

Why hobbies are pure gold

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Why hobbies are pure gold

Ever felt burned out? Sucked dry of ideas for your work?

My career path has taken many twists and turns over the years. And once or twice I’ve stumbled into the desert of depletion.

Perhaps you have too – or will do by the time you reach your Fifties and beyond without seeking to protect your creative mind as well as your body.

Ageing is a beautiful thing. Wisdom, patience and a strategic canniness for the long game are all strengths that come with career experience and maturity.

But get a creative hobby and you’ll develop superpowers that protect you from burnout, like invisible armour.

Why? Because you’ll develop anti-burnout skills and train your mind with regular, powerful exercises that create resilience, familiarise flow and immerse you in mindfulness exercises where you regularly step through fear and experience vulnerability. 

Want some of that?

But if you’re holding back because your first thought is ‘I can’t draw… I don’t have an artistic bone in my body, I’m not good enough to…’

You are missing the point.

It’s not about what you create. It’s about the process of creating. Think about that. It’s about the process. it’s not about the result, which you are already judging before you’ve even tried! It’s about the path to the result.

I come from a family where creativity is fully expressed.

My grandfather was a cooper – making wooden barrels from slats so tightly bound you could carry liquids without losing a drop. It was a craft that died in his lifetime  and so he completed his working days cutting aluminium but he made furniture for us while I was a child and he built me a magnificent dolls house. He also drew, specialising in roses.

My mother worked in a bank, mostly working on the tills and helping people better invest their savings. But her passion was creating clothes and occasionally her colleagues would pay her to whip up a vogue pattern creation. Even my English teacher had dresses by Barbara and she still creates  the occasional, but beautifully tailored jacket for herself, when the occasion calls her as she approaches her 80th year. She also paints and draws. 

I draw too. Unlike those two, I am not good at drawing. I did not somehow inherit their ‘talent’ but I know if I keep at it, I will get better. On Thursday nights I go to life drawing, a two hour battle with my attempts to recreate what I see on paper.

It is hard. And I mean like grandmaster chess hard. Drawing the human form makes your brain jump hoops like you can’t imagine. And then sketching to the clock – the drawing equivalent of speed chess! 

What it teaches you is to let go; let go of your perfectionism. Let go of fear. Let go of excuses. You jump and you jump fully, expecting to see something less than perfect at the end. And that is all part of the magic.

But there is more! Oh yes, hobbies are the gifts that keep on giving.

It’s been proven that a creative past time, that has NOTHING to do with your job, builds creative muscle and resilience. In these places bright sparks ignite, moments of ‘flow’ are experienced and they build and build and, with any luck, spill over into your working life too.

I love my creative non-work life so much I’ve taken up pottery. A passion from childhood. And I love that too. Mostly my creations have been exercises in the craft, although the odd pot has been a pleasant surprise. And now I’m learning to throw on the wheel, an extraordinary experience in using your hands as sensing, creative tools. The power of your touch. How you draw up the clay. A completely different way of ‘knowing’ and just try not being in the ‘Now’ when you’re drawing up clay.

But do not do what every entrepreneur suddenly gets the urge to do. Monetarise it. That, my dear reader, is the equivalent of cutting off the unicorn’s horn, cutting Aslan’s mane, biting the hand that is feeding you.

The well of creativity, the pool of beautiful, magical ideas lies in the space where you find time making. Not in the object itself.

It’s in the journey, not the destination. A bit like Life.

Photo by Kristopher Roller

A therapist’s top three books for strong mental health

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A therapist’s top three books for strong mental health

‘There is no friend as loyal as a book,’ Ernest Hemingway.

Here’s a shocking piece of knowledge for you: you can buy book reviews.

Perhaps you’re not shocked. Perhaps you’re wise to this and you’re rolling your eyes at my apparent naivety.

But for me, this was a ‘have they no shame?’ moment. ‘Books are sacred’, I protest. ‘Don’t pollute the book world. But no, cynical sales leveraging is everywhere.

Apparently, if you look on freelance sourcing sites you can employ people to write reviews for your book. Which they may or may not have read, and flood bookselling sites like Amazon with glittering praise you’ve paid for.

So in the spirit of pushing back the ‘know and trust’ tide, I’m taking a little time to recommend three books I read last year which are worth reading, will give you better insight into mental health and might just change your life for the better.

The Joyous Body: Myths and Stories of the Wise Woman by Clarisa Pinkola Estes

This is the third in the series of four books exploring female archetypes by this extraordinary psychoanalyst who specialises in post-trauma recovery. For any woman past the first flush of womanhood and wise enough to know she’s now being sold a pup by a youth-obsessed culture, this book will be salve to your ears. Masterfully weavng myth, wise words, metaphor and truth into a womanifesto for claiming back power, every woman over 40 should take power from this book.

I have the audio, which is a wonder as the author has a beautifully soothing voice. And she has a podcast, I’ve just discovered. More manna.

Essentialism by Greg McKeown

Everyone I know who has read this book is a raving fan. If you’re stretched too thin, facing burn out, sick of your own patterns of overwhelm, read this book. It’s a keeper. You’ll come back over and over again. Yes, here are one or two moments when you realise he’s missed the point (the Concorde argument comes to mind) but this book is more than 90 per cent gold.

Conscious Living by Gay Hendricks

I read the Big Leap first, which is really about helping you understand why improving your lot can freak you out and is useful, but Conscious Living is a game changer. Here’s a man unafraid of being authentic. In a filter-obsessed world, Gay Hendricks is an elixir in the 21st century with an easy to digest guide to living life. In this book he tells his own story, his own mistakes and his journey to becoming a counsellor and Stamford professor. 

I’ve read many more books, but these are the best of my 2018 list. Many have been good, but would I, on reflection, pass on the baton? I enjoyed Johann Hari’s Lost Connections, and well written and researched though it may be, controversial and confrontational though it most certainly is, it doesn’t make my top three. Nor does Russell Brand’s Recovery. Maybe I’m just a little long in the tooth for brash young men who can’t resist waving their egos about with a ‘look at me, mummy’ sadness. Maybe you love them, millions do and they undoubtedly have views to add to the mental health debate.

So there are my top three from last year’s book pile. Which are yours? Which books were your rescue? I’d love to hear.

Surviving Christmas with your mental health intact – step away from the party narcissist!

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Surviving Christmas with your mental health intact – step away from the party narcissist!

You know that Buddhist saying: ‘Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and then expecting your enemy to die?’ The narcissist would say ‘Yeah… but what you don’t understand…’ and then the spite spews out all over again.

 

Yes, ’tis the season to be jolly – but this is also the season to see people you may have spent the whole year avoiding.

And that can spell double. Trouble for our mental health. Trouble for our relationships. Trouble with a capital T in Helvetica 220 pt. (That’s big trouble; trust me).

You may have relatives, or colleagues, or have met partners of friends around whom you’re deeply uncomfortable. Or maybe uncomfortable in a way that confuses you. Perhaps they seem fun on the surface, but you always seem to come away from meeting them feeling bad about yourself.

Is my uncle a psycho?

Unlikely. Psychopaths and sociopaths are everywhere movies; they’re actually a small part of the population. Maybe one per cent. You may have met one, possibly two, but they’re mostly busy running a multinational companies, despot nations or languishing in jail on a 10-20 stretch for murder. Jon Ronson’s book, the Psychopath Test, is a charming light read on the subject, if you want to read more.

Far more common, making up about 10-15 per cent of the population, are narcissists. Narcissism is enjoying plenty of attention at the moment (which is ironic because narcissists hoover up attention gleefully) because they are expanding in number. Will you have a few in the family? Highly likely.

Psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists share a lot of character traits, but there is a big difference. Psychopaths and sociopaths don’t feel shame. Lacking empathy is one thing. Being indifferent to your existence if you are in their way… that makes them potentially fatal. Psychopaths are born, sociopaths are shaped by what happens to them as children and/or early adulthood. That’s the difference between them.

Narcissists are harmful, particularly because they lack empathy, but they can feel shame and they will feel discomfort when their behaviours injure people close to them. Of course that won’t stop them cheating on their partners, but they may feel bad about it.

Dr Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist working in LA, describes narcissists as ‘the second hand smoke of our times’. Because the narcissist may be fine with the toxicity they create, but they are going to make you sick.

How do I spot a narcissist?

There are a variety of thought systems on how many types there are. I’ve seen everything up to seven.

Dr Durvasula describes four. Remember, these are character traits and this is a spectrum. These are archetypes and one person may straddle more than one type.

  1. The Grandiose Narcissist
    Swanning around thinking they are the belle of the ball, the grandiose narcissist is attention seeking, arrogant and can delight in being rude, because they think they can. Of course, narcissists can be very charming, until they’ve got what they want… But they are always going to think they are privileged in a way you aren’t and ultimately better than you. You may not think life is a competition but the narcissist certainly does. They are very familiar with jealousy and envy.
  2. Malignant Narcissist
    Particularly unpleasant to be around, malignant narcissists will cheat on their partners, steal from employers, lie habitually. They can be physically dangerous. Do not rile the malignant narcissist in the family, especially when they have been drinking and are holding the electric carving knife.
  3. Covert Narcissist
    Interesting; and subtle. Have you got a cousin who’s put upon and yet still somehow grandiose? Who claims that life did her wrong and if only it hadn’t been for (insert banal excuse here) she’d be (insert improbable grand scenario here) by now. Who is the mistress of the backhanded compliment… ‘Oh I love the dress, of course it would look much better on me’. You might think they’re depressed, but what’s different is they blame the world for their circumstance and take no responsibility for their behaviour. They are the uber victim. Feel sorry for them if you like, but from a distance. Otherwise you’ll be depressed by the end of the evening.
  4. Communal Narcissist
    Who do you know whose social media feed is full of them baking for charity events, volunteering at their children’s school, who corners you in the office and goes on and on and on about how they just want to make the world a better place and will you be taking part in their fun run next week? Step away; they may not steal your wallet literally, but they’ll drain you. There is nothing wrong with supporting charity, but when it looks more like a photo opportunity and less like a genuine act of compassion, that’s narcissism.

Why should I avoid them?

Entertaining though they may sound, and from a distance they most certainly can be, close up and personal they are not. At best they are draining, at worst they are dangerous. Somewhere in between they can be reputation-damaging, if anyone listens to the spite they are capable of venting. They can certainly be career-damaging if they’re mismanaged.

As parents? You have my sympathy. No one survives that upbringing without scars. Narcissists make very difficult parents. Love is most certainly conditional, bars are set high, emotional neglect is almost certain. Needs are not met. Criticism is metered out regularly. That’s no fun for anyone.

How to handle narcissists

1. Feel sorry for them
Counter-intuitive, I know, but they can’t help the way they are. Yes, they’re unpleasant but they are riddled with self doubt, often loathing. They are really very confused as to why you avoid them although they will have conveniently forgotten the monumental barrage of meanness they hurled your way. Because they don’t have empathy; just need. You know that Buddhist saying: ‘Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and then expecting your enemy to die?’ The narcissist would say ‘Yeah… but what you don’t understand…’ and then the spite spews out all over again.

2. Try to avoid them
Don’t pick the desk next to the office narcissist, if you have a choice. You’ll regret it. If you are 100% sure your boss is a narcissist my advice would be start looking for another job and then when you find one convince him your new post makes him look amazing and you’ll be sure to do everything you can to support him from your new role. That way you’ll get a good reference and he won’t habitually badmouth you to anyone who will listen. 

3. Keep the conversation light

Do not talk about anything personal, the refugee crisis or socialism as a world order solution with a narcissist. Do not even give a hint of criticism. Do not correct them. Do not bother suggesting there’s an alternative way of looking at something. Do not even bother offering a solution when it’s asked for. They do not want to hear your opinion. They may pretend they do but really they want a mirror. Just mirror. Talk about the weather, the food, ask them what their favourite anything is… and then mutter something about needing the bathroom and make your escape!

The happiness boosting habit to celebrate every day

Deana Morris Uncategorized , , , 0 Comment
The happiness boosting habit to celebrate every day

Focus goes where energy flows, Tony Robbins

 

Don’t you just love other countries’ cultural celebrations?

People. I’m fascinated by them.

Not just as individuals, but as cultures as well. Around the world we celebrate in such extraordinarily different ways, and yet at the root are the same ideas.

We are all so different and yet we are the same in so many ways: it’s a beautiful paradox.

When I was travelling through Peru I found myself, through a misunderstanding, alone in Cuzco.

I wasn’t planning on going that way, but there I was, exploring its winding streets in dazzling mountain light and discovering a festival was coming. For the winter solstice. I had no expectation, no knowledge of this festival and perhaps that’s partly why I was so astonished.

Because there are no words to describe the spectacle that is Inti Raymi. Thousands arrive in the Inca capital for nine days of celebrations, marking the date in a riot of colour, music and traditional dance that has been handed down from one generation to another for thousands of years.

As our American friends celebrate Thanksgiving, there’s a familiarity and yet a strangeness to their festival of thanking nature too. Most countries mark harvest time. In the US, the festivities are rooted in the Pilgrim Fathers’ first crop success, back in 1621. And yet it seems to be represented by a turkey… Poor turkey.

Today, across the US, as turkeys run for the hills everywhere, families are gathering and celebrating and giving thanks for what they have.

Gratitude is at the root of all celebrations and it’s a well known practice in many therapeutic approaches.

Seeing what we have and noticing it, every day, can literally, change our minds.

As Tony Robbins says, ‘Focus goes where energy flows,’ and so being grateful for what we have can only bring us happiness.

When I recall this memory from my travels I don’t dwell on the misunderstanding that led to me finding myself alone in an unfamiliar South American country. I’m glad the people I was supposed to meet up with changed their plans. Because otherwise my memories would have been very different.

Not only do I have the precious memory of Inti Raymi, but I recall my strength and independence, my ability to handle change effectively and enjoy my own company.

And I am grateful.

What qualities do you have that make you grateful?

Let me know. let’s celebrate our power together – every day.